any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
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I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
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Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize