Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
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he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.