I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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