Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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