she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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