Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
