You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
