He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
