Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
