Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
