I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
