I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
