We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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