She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
