the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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