After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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