I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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