Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
