You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
