I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
