judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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