i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
