Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Im part way to drunk.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
