I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
