i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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