I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
