dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
