theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
