I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
