She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
