I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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