I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
