Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
