I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
