Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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