She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
