Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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