Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
