I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just found puke in my bra..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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