I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
