I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
