1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
