i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
