omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
