when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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