I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
