When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Randomize
