i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
