You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
