Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
