As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Pooping to opera.
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