I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
