once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
