I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
