I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
