is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
